aiR-cAstlEs bUildEr

Yeah I know u must be wondering, "Hey why is this gerl still alive?" I so sick man. I wish I culd just run away. Away from this…I konw ppl will definitely say this, " zaf, u have gotten what u want. so what now?

Man is life just abt love, relationship, physical attraction, physique advantages and abilities? Im lacking of the basics. Ok u must be scratching ur head by now.

For 22 years im not exposed to what u call motherly love. It not tat my mum is dead. She’s alive but not in my presence. Ive tried to withstand all the possiblities leading to y is she always this name-calling monster, self-esteem destroyer, flaws-exposer and many more. She has never been skipping her responsibilities on being a good wife, (well sumtimes can be too submissive, as a result, i hate her husband) a good mother to my siblings, a dedicated woman. But why hasnt she been a mother to me? why hasnt she come up to me when im having hard times with my job, giving me a good hug, a peck on my cheek, making me feel as if im the only child for just one sec or so (though that sometg that ive lived with for 22yrs; swallowing the fact that Ive three more siblings to share her love with)

to start the tragedy with is this,

when my sister was born on 5 dec 1986, I was only one year and six months only. I was still very in need of love, motherly love. But ive to understand at the very age that she is having a hard time with her unborn baby. I remembered she beating me up at that age with a wet old rag coz i pee in my pants and the waste nearly went under a cupboard. She swung the rag across my face and resulted in me gettng my left eye swollen like hell. and now ive the last stage of astigmatism (Nearly blind)  But i recalled her asking me not to tell her husband (Btw her husband is my dad) that ive fallen down and resulting to that. Ive already said rite, I hate the way he make her do things as if she is the submissive creature on earth to be taken advantage of, so i agreed to it and till now, ve been covering her ass in anything. U may asked me to stop doing all that covering and stuffs but i cant help it, I LOVE HER! so much that i think nobody is rite except her. but why? why cant she feels that the love i have for her is beyond anything. she calls me names, wishing that i will have a failed marriage, my husband to be would be bored of me once we are married, she hates me, calling a fat whore, good for nothing.

Ive tried to shut those words off, but i cant! Its ringing in my head non stop. so wads the meaning of a mother? im afraid that im gonna be like that when i have kids one day. People, do you have any tips or recipes for me to oblige in order to get my mummy hugs me, starts hugging me and kissing me? I love u ibu. why are u so blinded by other things? Am i that useless? Am i that not worthy? Ibu, Im gonna feel at lost if you leave the world one day. Ibu, i hope God will place u somewhere nice. Cause u deserve it.

Its me again.Yes its still me.But the difference this time is Im making my deathwish. Yes Im leaving.Im going to surrender, admit defeat to the battle I’ve been trying to win all these time.Memang aku mengaku selama ini ego dan riak yang bertakhta di hati ini.Namun aku tahu sudah banyak hati aku robekkan, sudah banyak manusia ku kecewakan.Selama 23 tahun ini, aku banyak mengundang kebencian manusia sekelilingku.Ya sekeliling ku.Aku tidak menyalahkan mereka.Aku yang gila.Aku yang tidak pernah menyenangkan mereka di sekelilingku.Mereka tidak pernah bersalah.Aku telah banyak menyusahkan mereka.Mengapa? Oh sebabnya aku telah dilahirkan sebagai salah satu perkara jahanam yang tiada pernah diredaiNya.Inilah aku.Itulah sifatku.Selama ini kehadiran, nafas, langkahku membawa musibah yang teramat besar.Kasihan mereka…Ibu bapaku, adik-adikku, tunangku, kawan-kawanku, rakan sekerjaku,kenalan sementaraku dan banyak lagi.Maafkan aku yang selama ini telah menjadi titik hitam di dalam kehidupan kamu semua.Maafkan lah sungguhnya aku tidak menyangka langkah ku begitu sumbang.Betapa busuknya jasad ku di sisi kamu semua. Maafkanlah aku sebelum ku melangkah pergi.Hati umpama si kafir ini ingin pulang kembali.Walau ku tahu Dia tidak akan menerimaku.Keadaanku, latarku, layarku, wajahku begitu membusuk setiap saat.Aku akan mengorak pulang.Biarpun kadang-kala aku dikejutkan dengan sahihnya fakta ini, aku telah sesat dalam perjalananku dan tiada tahu jalan pulang.Topengan senyum , ketawa girang semakin hari semakin luput dari wajah ini.Aku tidak berdaya ingin menipu lagi. Aku bukan untuk dunia ini.Musibah sepertiku hanya mampu menambah kesakitan manusia, kesengsaraan alam, keperihan kanak-kanak, kejerihan ibuku, kepayahan ayahku, kebosanan tunangku, kejelekan adik-adikku, kemarahan kawan-kawanku dan banyak lagi, ramai lagi yang menyumpah hadirnya aku. sekali lagi aku katakan, aku tidak menyalahkan mereka.Aku sedar diri.Sedar impak yang telah melanda mereka.Aku akui.Aku reda.Aku akur.Dan kini aku ingin pergi.Hilangkan memori kita bersama.Hapuskan hari-hari kita bersama.Hancurkan saat-saat kita bersama, wahai manusia-manusia yang ku hormati dan sayangi kerna selama ini kamu semua telah teramat sabar akan tingkah ku yang memuakkan ini. Biar tiada rasa tidak senang yang hadir selepas ini.InsyaAllah setelah aku pergi.InsyaAllah.

Im Giving Up.Im not staying cause Nobody knows but me. Only me.

Setinggi seluas Gunung dan Lautan.

Sejuta harapan dipertaruhkan.

Beronak, berliku jalan dilalui.

Selagi berupaya diteruskan.

Alangkah sukarnya memadam bayangan masa silam.

Di dalam keberanian, terusik juga perasaan.

Tiada ertinya memanjatkan doa.

Semoga jiwa ini terus tabah.

Sesungguhnya saat yang terindah hanya sementara.

Yang terpahat dalam diri hanya kenangan dan nestapa.

Tak rela diturutkan hati, menyesali apa terjadi.

Andainya begitu suratan yang tertulis di azali.

Biarlah walaupun diri sepi.

Sedih pedih dikhianati.

Akan tetap terus mengorak langkah perjalanan pedih ini.

Dalam manisnya madu, terselit cuka pahit hempedu

Madu manis padamu, pahitnya sungguh bagi diriku.

Suka ataupun tidak, aku terus memendam rasa.

Ingin sekali aku pergi bawa diri tapi ke mana arah???

Rasanya sudah tak kuasa lagi.

Persoalan inilah yang silih berganti.

Hidup bersama? Bayangan saja…

Indahnya hanyalah khabar, bukan yang sebenar…

:::Dendam di dalam Diam, Bagaikan Api membakar Sekam.Senyum dalam Paksaan sekadar Lindung Kedukaanku:::

Take my photo off the wall. If it just won’t lick your boots. Cause all that’s left has gone away and there’s nothing there for you to prove to the pupils of yours.

Oh, look what you’ve done. You’ve made a fool of everyone (your pupils, your workers and audience to this play that you’re directing).

Oh well, it seems like such fun, until you lose what you had won. Give me back my point of view. Cause I just can’t think like you.

I can hardly hear you say. What should I do? Well you choose.

Dearies….This is what happen:

watch and listen to this….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQDJU6xabjY

Therefore girls…what am i hoping for is only  one the ultimate one…

"Make your future as pleasant as possible…Try the best that you can…As I’ve always said, I believe everyone can….May God bless you in every breath that you take…Love you alots…

                                                                 Your ex-teacher,

                                                                            Miss Zafira Johari

So little time they gave me. Try to understand that I’m,
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game,
I try to stay awake and remember my name,
But everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same.

Oh, look what you’ve done. You’ve made a fool of everyone (your pupils, your workers and audience to this play that you’re directing).

Now how am i supposed to tell them coz they’ve been asking me…

You are able to put me out of your sight but you are disable enough to kill the love that me and the kids are sharing…..

Beginning.

Grew up in a small town and when the rain would fall down, I’d just stare out my window. Dreaming of what could be and if I’d end up happy, I would pray. I’ve been trying hard to reach out. But when I tried to speak out, felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong there but something felt so wrong here.

"Let’s talk this over. It’s not like I’m dead. Was it something I did? Was it something THEY said? Don’t leave me hanging in a city so dead. Held up so high on such a breakable thread.
You’ve got your dumb friends. I know what they say. They tell you I’m difficult
But so are they. But they don’t know me. Do they even know you? All the things you did behind me. All the shit that you do."

"It’s nice to know that you were there. Thanks for acting like you cared. And making me feel like Im fitting there well. It’s nice to know we had it all. Thanks for watching as I fall. And letting me know you were done with me.

And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away. All this time you were pretending. So much for my happy ending…"

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk.

Because of you
I’ve learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt.Again.

Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me. I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes.
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life.
My heart. my future can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with…

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend.

Swallow me then spit me out.For believing you, I blame myself.
Seeing you it kills me now. No, I don’t cry on the outside.
Anymore…

Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hatred eyes…

Now.

Everybody’s talking. But they don’t say a thing. They look at me with sad eyes.
But I don’t want the sympathy. That fake synpathy. Its cool that you didn’t want me.
And the myths that you’ve made.
But why’d you have to lie and make a mess like that?Well I just have to say.
Before I let go.

Have you ever been low?Have you ever had someone that let you down so?When the truth came out, were you the last to know?Were you left out in the cold?
But hey, what you did was low as someone older than me…

No I don’t need your wishes.There’s nothing left to say.Except I never thought it’d hurt this much. But hey, what you did was low as someone who married with 3 kids…

I walk out of this darkness. With no sense of regret. And I go with a clear conscience.
We both know that you can’t say anything. My fate is not and never lies in your hands.
Here’s to show that I’ve tried all along…But you’ve misused it for own personal advantage. Well maybe you’ve missed this…Whatever happening to me now, maybe yours forever one day. Worry no more. Definitely got to taste this too. But hey again.
Cause what you did was low, real low.

:::I’m tired of rumors starting.I’m sick of being followed.I’m tired of people lying.
Saying what they want about me.Why can’t they back up off me?Why can’t they let me live?:::

Your words cut rather deeply,
They’re just some other lies
I’m hiding from a distance,
I’m now paying the price.
Defending all against it,
I really don’t know why.
You’re obsessed with all my secrets,
You always make me cry.
You seem to wanna hurt me.
No matter what I do.
I’m telling just a couple,
But somehow it gets to you.
But I’ve learned how to get revenge.
And I swear you’ll experience that some day.

You’re talking like you know me.
And wanna be my friend.
But that’s really too late now,
Please don’t try it once again.
You may think that I’m loser,
That I don’t really care.
You may think that it’s all forgotten,
But you should be aware.
Cause I’ve learned to get revenge.
And I swear you’ll experience that some day.

Last words.

Maybe not today. Not tomorrow. But we’ll meet again parents, educators, kids and colleagues… I’m leaving you here. Thank you my unforgivable sinners…

You know where you’ve sent her
You sure know where you are
You’re trying to ease off
But you know you won’t get far
And now she’s up there
Sings like an angel
But you can’t hear those words
And now she’s up there
Sings like an angel
Unforgivable Sinner

Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Light are low, the curtains down
There’s no one here
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there’s no one around
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star(an old one)

The show is over, say good-bye
Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you’re breaking my lifeHide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played
No more masquerade, you’re one lonely star(an old one)

:::”All the world is a stage.And everyone has their part.But how was I to know which way I should go?How was I to know you’d break?You’d break my life?”:::

Best Way to Commit Suicide / How to Suicide

The best methods of suicide will give easy suicide death and death will achieve ultimate freedom from pain, fear, and depression.  It is also the only way to experience complete peace.  The hell of this pointless life and existence holds absolutely no meaning or reason to live.  Nothing matters anymore because the deep pain is all that can be felt, and every day it only gets worse and worse.  No one cares!  They have proven it by how they hurt you. LOVE IS A LIE!  The voice inside says freedom from the pain is to find the best ways to commit suicide and just end it, so get it over with.  I know these things and I know how to commit suicide because I did it.  Let me explain…  My life really sucked and the deep black hole just kept getting deeper and darker.  There was no way out, nothing anyone could say changed the fact that my life was hopeless and to die was the only answer.  So I made a decision to end it all and I did it.   

I killed myself, but not my physical body.  What actually died was the dark voices in my mind and all the pain in my heart.  I was still physically alive, but everything painful and hopless died and the whole world looked different to me afterwards.  I escaped the pain and the experience of freedom is awesome.  Let me tell you a secret.  You don’t have to physically die to end it all and have things change.  This really works! You will be so glad when the old you is dead because you can’t go on another day like this with the deep pain…  Can you?

Courtesy from: http://www.newhopehealthclinic.com/painless_methods_of_how_to_commit_suicide.htm

Sometimes, i feel that the purpose of living is just to make me feel the misery in life, giving me the chance to taste the bitternessof life…

but again i asked myself this qn a thousand times , "How long shall i put up with all these?"

I dun see the purpose of living anymore. In fact i just feel scik of everything…swallowing pills till my liver in terrible pain now… i really dont know when will this pain ends… OH GOD!!! PLEASE LET ME END THIS… I SIMPLY COULDN’TFACE THIS ANYMORE!!!!

MY LIFE IS TOO EMPTY IM SO ASHAMED TO EVEN FACE IT AND THE PEOPLE AROUND!!!

BUT I WILL FIND MY WAYS TO END THIS MYSELF… soon…

Setiap kali aku kemukakan persoalan ini terhadap diri ini sendiri, bukan sahaja ditinggalkan termangu malah aku disingkirkan agar tidak lagi menyentuh isu ini. Isu yang selama ini mencengkam minda diri yang jahil dan cendala ini. Entah mengapa kita tidak dibenarkan mengendalikan persoalan yang semakin lama semakin menyetan dalam lakonan dunia yang menyusur lorong-lorong penuaan, pengakhiran dan penghancuran. Siapakah mereka yang mengatakan ingin menjaga kami yang lemah ini? Siapakah mereka yang diamanahkan melindungi kami yang dikatakan pembawa segala maksiat layar jagat ini? Adakah mereka yang suka merobek? Adakah mereka yang rajin membanding? Adakah mereka yang pantas menindas? ADAKAH MEREKA ITU YANG DIKATAKAN KHALIFAH WANITA?

EPISOD 1

Tubuh yang dikurniakan bukan sesuatu yang bisa dipinta dengan apa-apa ibadah pun. Wajah kepunyaan diri juga bukan sesuatu yang dipinta dari saat dilahirkan ke alam yang katanya mampu berikan bahagia. Entah mengapa seringkali disentuh tanpa izin, secara kasar, secara bisikan, secara haram. Sekilas dirogol tanpa perlunya diganasi. Namun akhirnya disalahkan kerna punyai tubuh menggiurkan, punyai wajah yang memberahikan. Di mana letaknya hak asasi kemanusiaan yang dijulang-julang, yang dibilang-bilang setiap detik zaman berubah… Tanya diri pada Tuhan…

EPISOD 2

Katanya cinta. Katanya rindu. Katanya kasih dan sayang. Segunung untuk setiap satu. Namun inginnya untuk melihat, menonton yang lain masih meraja di hati. Yah jika tegar diperlakukan begitu, hal ini tidaklah begitu merungsingkan… Pantas saja digembar-digemburkan undang2 ciptaan sendiri. Sedarnya diri tidak semongel yang diidamkan, wajah tidak semanis rupa yang selalu dimimpikan, tubuh tidak selampai dan kurus yang sering diminta secara halus. Tapi ini semua bukan ghaib bagi pandangan kasar ini. Sedarnya impianmu sering tidak dilayani. Sedarnya tidak selalu dirimu dimanjai. Sedarnya dirimu seharusnya tinggalkan sahaja yang telah terlanjur biar jadi titik hitam dalam hidup diri yang serba kekurangan hingga saat meniti titian Siratul Mustaqim kelak…

Sekian jejari ini dapat menari buat meluis sebuah gambaran tentang peritnya hidup seorang wanita. Jejari ini juga kerap menadah pinta hadirnya Qiamat secepat mungkin biar dilema-dilema ini yang mungkin membiak kerap lagi tidak terlalu keterlaluan. Begitu pedihnya, pahitnya kebenaran yang kian merobek dalam nadinya sebuah derita….seorang wanita…

Kelabu pandangan di hadapan. Bukan disengajakan tetapi sudah suratan takdirNya. diri masih terapung-apung di bawah curam yang suram di mana masih mempersoalkan apa adanya kita di dunia. dengan segala yang terjadi dapatkah kita manusia mencapai kebahagiaan yang hakiki bersama keredhaanNya. Bisikan mereka tidak pernah luntur meruntun hati yang semakin lama semakin dahaga, kelaparan damai yang selama ini masih bukan malah jauh dari gapaian. Apa gunanya bertapak di sini hanya ingin menganalisa itu definisi hidup, itu definisi perjalanan di muka bumi ini. Jika hanya itu saja yang ingin dibuktikan mereka, teringin sekali naluri jahil ini bersuara, "Sudahlah bebaskan aku dari cengkaman pernafasan ini, lepaskanlah aku dari layar teater ini. Aku tidak berdaya bersandiwara, mengidamkan kebahagiaan, mengimpikan manis-manisnya hidup sedangkan aku pasti dan tahu akan kebenaran yang sahih lagi terbukti. Iaitu kebahagiaan bukan dengan ahli bumi yang sama-sama kabut dengan masa depan mereka sendiri. Mereka juga tidak kenal siapakah mereka pada saat yang akan datang sejurus aku berhenti menarikan jari-jemariku di atas kekunci ini. Janji mereka yang tampak suci murni itu bukan ingin aku sangkal tetapi inilah hakikat. Mereka tidak mampu memahami siapakah aku sebenarnya dalam permainan dunia ini."

Ya Rabbi, ambillah aku kembali ke alamMu yang sememangnya tiada lagi keraguan, jaminan diri ini walau sejijik khinzir pun tetap dapat terpatri. Bukan di bumi tempat ku Ya Allah. walaupun aku Kau anggap salah satu ahli neraka tetap Mu pun aku rela. Dari ketidakpastian dunia ini mencekik ku setiap kali diri ini ingin terlena dek janji-janji mereka ingin menyedapkan hatiku ini. Walhal….

Hati ini walau berbintikan kenaifan, kedaifan dan kejelekkan, tetap tidak mahu bernafas lagi bersandarkan harapan yang mereka sendiri tidak pasti. Ya Allah. Kau sajalah yang Maha Mengerti apa yang terpalit di fikiranku yang sudah penat menjelajah tugu-tugu kekecewaan, pondok-pondok Cinta berbinkan Dusta, kasih sayang yang sudah hilang serinya walaupun antara sesama wanita…. Kau makbulkanlah pintaku ini yang terakhir…